I don't feel the same as I've used to always feel since I was 13 any more.
6 comments:
Anonymous
said...
This post makes me sad.
You were always had that mystic aura around you Jing; I really don't think that's something you can lose. Ever. But then again, I haven't seen you in forever.
Oh, I don't think anything inside has changed. This has mostly to do with how I view the relationship between me, the rest of the world, and how I fit in/function/interact.
The 13-14 year old Jing first realized "I" was an entity, but was also surprisingly vulnerable in that I apparently had no clue and no confidence in anything else other than what I perceived to be "me." I've been doing this on-and-off reread project of that fat green notebook I first started in 8th grade that you might remember seeing... A journal, as some would call it, but really more of a log. I can, even now, distinctly recognize that YES, I do remember those same events (albeit in less/altered detail) and that the POV presented is clearly of my current same self... But some changes definitely has occurred: not necessarily having to do with how comfortable I am with myself, but how I handle myself/allow myself to be affected when interacting with others. Most notably, I realized how I totally went from zero self confidence (I swear I totally forgot about that phase altogether, even though I DO remember the Aldrius/W/even Ph times all too clearly) to extreme superiority complex to actually realizing what that whole thing was, and being comfortable in knowing that. When I was stuck somewhere telling myself NO, I haven't changed since I was 13, it inevitably involved my long-standing fear of change (zero confidence) and belief that I alone am capable of resisting change (superiority complex/low confidence at apparently the same time, expressed through "staying faithful" to known lost causes/transient things, for example). It might sound like cheap rationalization/failed introspection attempts/forced coming-of-age story (god I hate that term), but really...this was a slow, gradual realization that has been building up...maybe even since 13.
I hope you catch the drift. There's obviously more to this than just rereading old handwritten things, but ranting here seems silly when I can hopefully nab you for a weekend sometime soon. >8D
Jingypoo, we should really talk about this stuff because you're one of the only people I know that does not shove these thoughts into a dark corner and pretends they don't exist. And the only one whose "PROFOUND AND DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP FEEEELINGS" I can actually relate to.
Everyone else says I think too much, and I shouldn't think about these things, and then may or may not promptly call me a faggot.
I wonder what foreign country the above Anonymous came from... >___>
Anyway. YES. YES. Pretty much, same here. <3 And it's strange and unfortunate how I talk with you so little even though we probably should do more of that. T_T
I don't feel the same as I've used to always feel since I was 13 any more.
6 comments:
This post makes me sad.
You were always had that mystic aura around you Jing; I really don't think that's something you can lose. Ever. But then again, I haven't seen you in forever.
Jing, please don't change. ;__;
cheer up, creepy spud-head. :P
I still feel about 15.
Oh, I don't think anything inside has changed. This has mostly to do with how I view the relationship between me, the rest of the world, and how I fit in/function/interact.
The 13-14 year old Jing first realized "I" was an entity, but was also surprisingly vulnerable in that I apparently had no clue and no confidence in anything else other than what I perceived to be "me." I've been doing this on-and-off reread project of that fat green notebook I first started in 8th grade that you might remember seeing... A journal, as some would call it, but really more of a log. I can, even now, distinctly recognize that YES, I do remember those same events (albeit in less/altered detail) and that the POV presented is clearly of my current same self... But some changes definitely has occurred: not necessarily having to do with how comfortable I am with myself, but how I handle myself/allow myself to be affected when interacting with others. Most notably, I realized how I totally went from zero self confidence (I swear I totally forgot about that phase altogether, even though I DO remember the Aldrius/W/even Ph times all too clearly) to extreme superiority complex to actually realizing what that whole thing was, and being comfortable in knowing that. When I was stuck somewhere telling myself NO, I haven't changed since I was 13, it inevitably involved my long-standing fear of change (zero confidence) and belief that I alone am capable of resisting change (superiority complex/low confidence at apparently the same time, expressed through "staying faithful" to known lost causes/transient things, for example). It might sound like cheap rationalization/failed introspection attempts/forced coming-of-age story (god I hate that term), but really...this was a slow, gradual realization that has been building up...maybe even since 13.
I hope you catch the drift. There's obviously more to this than just rereading old handwritten things, but ranting here seems silly when I can hopefully nab you for a weekend sometime soon. >8D
Jingypoo, we should really talk about this stuff because you're one of the only people I know that does not shove these thoughts into a dark corner and pretends they don't exist. And the only one whose "PROFOUND AND DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP FEEEELINGS" I can actually relate to.
Everyone else says I think too much, and I shouldn't think about these things, and then may or may not promptly call me a faggot.
I wonder what foreign country the above Anonymous came from... >___>
Anyway. YES. YES. Pretty much, same here. <3 And it's strange and unfortunate how I talk with you so little even though we probably should do more of that. T_T
I'm 95% sure I'll be back for Thanksgivings. 8D
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