366. Performative identity

Can self-worth be found in self-expression? Another of life's gray areas I feel uncomfortable grappling with.

365. Capricorn

I will learn to find you one day. So far I only recognize the great dipper and Polaris...-_-;

364. Thirteen years

...before they met again. Gone at 15, back at 28. Such stiff and theatrical words, an exchange of grade-school-level callouts. Kanon disappeared soon after his imprisonment; Saga never bothered to confirm whether that meant he was dead.

Why? Onscreen canon tears tell us it sure wasn't because Saga didn't give a shit. The only remaining explanation?

He was too scared to find out, terrified of the potential certainty that Kanon really did die at his hand. And after the next thirteen years, after his own death? What undercurrents swept between their ankles beneath those meaningless surface words? After childishly blaming each other, all Saga wanted was to see his face.

He had thirteen years of mirrors.

How long is thirteen years?

After the Poseidon arc, the anime officially went on indefinite hiatus. After the French fanmade animation event, Hades Sanctuary was released after a thirteen-year gap.

My relationship with China: gone at 9, back at 22.

The last time we had a dog.

How long I've lived when my siblings were born.

363. Kyo

Thanks to everyone who made last night at Tokyo International Forum.

The tour is finished.

I know that my throat troubles left many people worried this year, I'm sorry for causing the concern. For this reason I had a strong feeling that I had to give something back so I increased my exposure... I hope it was enough to be meaningful?

I am really looking forward to seeing you all on tour next year.

Before then I hope that with both in the band and in private life I can bring myself to go beyond what I am right now.

By the way, these last six months I've seeing the same dream with the same person over and over.
I hope you are living life to the fullest with no regrets.

Kyo

Is that why you so exceptionally showed your face on a TV event, not to mention live? To thank us? Even though you look so uncomfortably shy out of your skin?

Edit: video broken. Mirror here.


It's so good to hear his speaking voice not broken and sick-sounding for once. And...so many smiles.

362. Snatch

is a fun word game too. Demands very different strategies from Scrabble. Quicker game with quicker thinking required.

360.2 Gemini and Sea Dragon

...What can I say about these two at this point?

According to interviews, Saga was the first character Kurumada created for Saint Seiya - before any Greek gods were borrowed, before Athena evolved from subjective concept to objective human form, before even Kurumada's meta-main character "Seiya" had his role designated - 性 was born. In contrast, I wonder whether Kanon was added as an afterthought, or out of necessity for a new big boss after Saga's legacy. But I know many who would much rather believe Kanon was created so Saga would not be lonely.

Canon: Kanon's name is under the dictionary entry for "brother complex". This is as self-evident as Hyoga's Oedipal thing for his mom - something that even male fans (or casual viewers) must acknowledge.

Fanon: ...Saga reciprocates.

360.1 It happens again

Ugh it's pissing me off to leave it like this. But I have to sleep. AND I missed a day again.

358. Behind schedule

because holy crap I've forgotten what a time drain these guys are. And I have to get up early tomorrow so I can't stay up late to push for progress.

357. Twelve years

...since the last time we had a dog.

I think I'm on the homestretch. I hope. All that are left to work on are the faces, hair, minor bg details, and overall lighting adjustment. Feels like work that I can finish in a day.

356. Scale

why do I have to do other things in life why do I have to sleep why can't I just work on this all day IT NEEDS TO BE DONE IT'S PRACTICALLY BEGGING ME TO FINISH JEEZ

355. Winter Solstice

Christ, can my progress be any slower?? And I'm falling into the same trap of working on Saga first as always. At least metal is fun as fuck. Making those faces look right, on the other hand, isn't so much and thus probably will get postponed until the very end.

354. Blah

Not as much got done as I would have liked.

Though I did figure out what was so bad/strange about Rinkaku: WHERE ON EARTH DID TOSHIYA GO? I mean, I get it, the entire thing is like a CHECK-IT-OUT-I'M-BACK highlight on Kyo, but...there is something severely broken and sad that makes it a difficult song to enjoy and celebrate. Not a bad thing, especially since it's definitely intentional. But it does make me worry and wonder what kind of mental scar this incident of injury has left behind.

As if an artist of realism
I endlessly paint the truth
"I want you to stay with me"
Switching to a smile

Minerva

Carelessly scattered wishes meant for no one
Only reflect my weakness

The me that is here -
What is he singing?

"Not even hope allowed"

353. Rinkaku

So...maybe slightly more operatic than the radio version hinted. I was right...? Not sure what to make of this other than noting that Kyo is clearly not following doctors' directions in regards to his voice. Still digesting.

As to the twins...um.

God this is embarrassing. =_= At least it'll translate into super motivation to MAKE THINGS RIGHT tomorrow.

352. When in doubt...

...always refer to Sargent. It literally solves every problem in life. Can't give in to pressure now. Come on obsessive love, push me through this.

351. Three days

A lot less operatic than expected? Feels like a bastard child between Lotus and Different Sense. Also there is clearly no way that this is the full song.

The five melting into one? ...I wonder.

350. Berserk

How strange that interest and curiosity could be stirred by just two random screenshots. Probably because the style is my cup of tea.

Somehow just the thought of tackling the twins seriously makes my wrist go limp from pressure...blah. Will post homework (of the panning shot variety) that I've been studying instead.

(Wait, why didn't I look at these when I was still struggling while painting these three?! FFFFFFF)

Interesting to note that Mu is the one with the nicest composition shots. On to regular screenshots.

Christ, animation team, this is NOT how you convince people that this guy is not the main character. @_@

349. Spider, Butterfly, and Mantis

Original text by 萌箜, translation by yours truly.

Once upon a time there was a vast garden. In this garden, there was a butterfly with beautiful wings who lived in a blooming rose.

One day, the butterfly went out as usual. As his habits were, he flew to drink the first dew condensed upon the greatest rose hidden deep within the heart of the garden. His wings fluttered in the cool air, their golden hues shining in the morning mist.

When he passed one particular rose bush, he decided to take a rest upon a fresh bud. This was a decision that would alter his life.

"Butterfly, Butterfly, please wait," came a dull voice below thickets of leaves.

"Who is there?" The butterfly asked, his antennae trembling with unease.

"It's me. It's us." A scratching noise came from under the leaves.

Butterfly turned over a leaf and glided down. He gently landed on barren dirt. From the bottom of a deep hollow, a spider and a mantis looked back at him.

"How are you guys there?" Butterfly looked at them with apprehension, for he knew either the spider or the mantis could very well decide to eat him at a moment's notice.

"As you can see, we fell in this hole. It's been two days." Spider moved its legs feebly.

"And possibly because of how menacing we look, no passerby insect would help us out." His legs made light tapping sounds against the moist earth.

"We don't want to coerce you, but if you won't help us either, you might find our corpse in about four days' time." Mantis's arm blade slunk in the earth. "Likely, there will only be one corpse. Either I butcher him, or he eats me," said the mantis. "If one of us consumes the other, then the one remaining can at least make it for an extra day or two." His tone was calm and rational, as if death was of no concern to him.

"I can save you," said Butterfly.

Mantis raised his head and looked up in surprise. Spider could not turn his head, so he flipped his body against the wall of the hollow to look up at Butterfly. "Are you sure? But ne, Butterfly, you know we could eat you after you help us out." Spider's tone made this sound like a threat.

"That is fine," said Butterfly as he drifted into the hollow. "I wish someone could eat me, but everyone tends to die after coming in contact with me." He quivered his wings, and golden powdery scales shimmered as they fell. "Keep away from my wings. They are poisonous."

Mantis took note of Butterfly's melancholic tone. Spider scratched at the earth, his thoughts indecipherable.

Butterfly took flight and returned with a stalk of dog-tail. "Hold on to this. I'll bring you out."

Mantis and Spider looked at each other, but finally they climbed on.

Butterfly clutched the other end of the stalk, beat his wings, and took off.

Out of the hollow, he rested on a blade of grass, gazing at the other two.

Mantis watched Butterfly's wings. He said, "Thank you."

"Not at all." Butterfly twitched his antennae.

"O, Butterfly. How can we repay you?" Asked Spider.

"You don't have to," he spoke as he made to leave.

"Butterfly, come with me and I will show you the most beautiful flower of all," Mantis said.

"Mantis, don't!" Spider argued, "that could bring him to harm." Ominous tones.

"More beautiful than the great rose of the garden's core?" Butterfly was enticed.

"More beautiful than that," Mantis nodded. His compound eyes mirrored those golden wings like a kaleidoscopic dream.

Butterfly beamed. "Take me there. I like beautiful things."

Mantis raised his arm blades and dashed. Butterfly flew, following him.

Spider kicked some dirt loose with his many legs, made a tiny sound of annoyance, but followed, too.

That blue-haired boy had the most breathtaking eyes. He sat on a bench, breathing in a rose.

"I wasn't lying, was I?" Asked Mantis.

Butterfly paused on a white blossom, opening and closing his wings. "Yes. He is a most beautiful flower."

As if feeling their eyes, the boy looked up.

"What a beautiful butterfly!" He breathed as he saw.

"Did you hear that? He called me beautiful!" Butterfly happily hopped off, doing a twirl in the air.

"You are beautiful," Spider gave a rare compliment, in a small voice.

"But don't get too close to him. Humans can do strange things, such as trapping you with a net and pinning you to a board," he cautioned.

"I know," Butterfly smiled, twirling again mid-air. "I cannot get too close to him, just as I cannot get too close to you." His smile was forlorn.

And thus, Butterfly, Spider, and Mantis came to share a secret.

Each morning, Butterfly would rise to the eastern-most part of the garden, bringing along Spider and Mantis, to visit that beautiful boy.

"Flying feels so wonderful. It's as if I'm sheathed in wind," said Mantis, as he looked up to Butterfly's fluttering wings.

"Yes, flying is wonderful." Butterfly happily hummed, an ode to the roses - a tune the boy often sang. He was a miserable child whose world consisted only of this garden. His happiness was limited to the minutes spent at the park bench each morning. The boy had been sick, very sick, for a very long time. Many times, Butterfly and his friends had watched from his window sill how he suffered and toiled on his sickbed.

Each day, every day, they always went to the boy. In good weather, in bad weather; when the boy was sick, when the boy was well enough to be out...

And to hear him say, "Today, too, the roses are beautiful."

Spider thought that in this entire garden, there wasn't anything nearly as charming as mornings like that. Mantis waved his arm blades as if in agreement. Butterfly danced, weaving beautiful twirls in the air.

And so, spring passed. Summer passed. Autumn...

Ah, autumn.

Spider lethargically clung to his web, where many carcass leftovers hung. Despite Butterfly's nagging, he had always insisted that "This is my collection" and refused to clean out.

Mantis slouched on a blade of grass, thoughts indiscernible.

Butterfly's rose dwelling withered. Gently, he landed next to Mantis.

"Butterfly, are you well?" Spider asked, his voice feeble.

"I'm all right," came a faint reply.

"Mantis, are you well?" Spider asked again.

"I suppose I am." Mantis's words were level as always.

"I won't be for much longer," Spider said, his breathing turning harsh.

"Autumn has never belonged to us," said Mantis, looking up at the blue sky.

"Last time," Spider said, his voice becoming hoarse. "One last time. Let's see him. " He fell from his web, his eight legs shivering.

Butterfly rose. "Come, we go together." Spirit had left his wings long ago.

For the last time, Butterfly, Spider, and Mantis landed on the boy's window sill. 

The boy was lying in his bed, his eyes open.

"..."

Butterfly tumbled in. He saw a light like stardust in the boy's eyes.

"What...a beautiful...butterfly..." The boy smiled with effort, and struggled to lift his hand.

For the first and last time, Butterfly landed on his finger. A moment later, the boy's hand dropped.

Butterfly thought, if he could cry, his tears would have sodden his wings.

Spider lay stomach-up on the window sill, legs curled. His body was already stiff.

Mantis leaned against the window frame, gazing at the dead boy.

"Thank you, Butterfly," he said, but his voice was already barely audible. He shuddered as he summoned his last strength. Like a warrior, he used his last breath to dive from the window sill.

Butterfly's antennae trembled.

He rested on the boy's lip.

His wings rustled, and golden dust came showering down.

Butterfly thought of summer nights. Spider hung dismembered bits of prey like trophies on his net, bragging to him and Mantis. Butterfly thought of summer mornings. Mantis soundlessly dissected a flower, so both him and Spider could palate rose saccharine.

Butterfly also thought of how, under summer stars, there once was a trio of rose-scented critters who lay upon fallen petals to gaze at constellations over above in awe.

All beautiful things would thus perish, ne?

He kissed the boy's lip as he took off, for the last time.

He fell.

"Aphrodite." Saga whispered, marking over the page with a red pen. "Why write a story this depressing?"

"I don't know," he smiled, gazing into Saga's eyes. Deathmask's amusement floated through the window. "Probably..." Probably, the roses of Pisces Temple were lonely.

"Ne, Aphro. Why did everyone have to die?" Deathmask squinted as Shura wrapped bandage over his face.

"What are you talking about?"

"Your stupid paper, of course." It even got the highest mark.

"You know, there actually was an alternate ending," Aphrodite mumbled.

"Oh?"

"Butterfly was torn limb from limb by the boy. His left wing and half his body was ground to dust. His right wing and some other parts were lost amongst rocks. To reconstruct Butterfly's left half, Spider killed countless insects, taking a piece from each's anatomy. To recover Butterfly's right half, Mantis sawed through rocks using his own hand, day after day."

...
Deathmask and Shura exchanged a look.

"Silly, isn't it? They knew they were all going to die anyway come autumn." Aphrodite rested his chin over his wrist, his feet dangling.

"Silly." Shura tightened the bandage over his hand, his voice quiet.

And that was all there was.

So, all in all, suddenly I'm a lot fonder of these three. Possibly because I recently drew them, but definitely especially because I came across the above. In its very unique way, that was more profound than I would have ever imagined a fanfic could be. Using a simple childish fairy-tale format to narrate Team Mid-years' history with Saga, with such fearsomely accurate and meaningful symbolism? Keeping in mind the exact nature of Saga's "illness", the meaning behind his "beauty", and the certainty of "autumn"? This author is a force to be reckoned with. My hat (and my jaw) is off on the fucking floor.

For some reason, what especially touched me was how subtle yet extremely powerful was that one soft hint of exactly what DM felt for Aphro (dat "You are beautiful..."), despite a complete lack of any slash. This is the kind of shipping I immensely enjoy.

348. 慟哭組/Team Lament

I think I'm catching the pattern of how I miss days now: DRAWING. And forgetting the time.

-

Named after Hades Sanctuary's second episode, "The Lament of Three." Clearly, Deathmask and Aphrodite were better actors than these three because Mu didn't bat an eye or suspect a thing when those two showed up assailing Sanctuary. But when Saga, Camus, and Shura arrived (with one of the most badass entrance scenes in the history of the show, no less) as second leg, even while in the middle of getting his ass beat Mu was confused, disbelieving, and had the spare time to take notice that these three were secretly weeping manly tears of bloody blood.

Canon: After the initial flare of knocking Mu around Aries Temple, Camus and Shura officially retired into background supporting roles to yield maximum spotlight on Saga for the rest of the arc. Let's not get into what kind of overpowered main-character-level ridiculousness Saga then proceeded to pull.

Fanon: Not sure how fanonical this might be, but it seems accepted that Camus and Shura are actually secretly Saga's secretaries. Camus is sometimes glossed over, but Shura is forever Saga's silent right hand in virtually every doujin I've seen. Probably due to his canonically stated "loyal" personality and cross-membership in both Saga fanclubs?
Camus is eternally married to Milo in fanon, but recently I've read one too many Camus x Shura that I really liked to give result to the above configuration. Saga has a whole harem of male and female candidates for shipping all with in-canon evidence, but really? Clearly only Kanon is acceptable.


I have my favorite twins on mind for next.

346. Draping

I desperately need to learn them. Lighting too. SO MUCH FRUSTRATION

345. Break

Did I overexert myself? Took it easy for the past two days. I think I paced it fine to avoid burnout. Back to work tomorrow.

344. How do I know I've long since jumped off the deep end?

That reading the following somehow brought out an actual fucking tear. i wanna die

"You guys can just go ahead and slap the 'diehard Kanon fangirl' label on my forehead.
I was the person who wept after falling to his seduction to kill the pope and Athena.
I was the person who choked up upon finding out post-mortem that he'd exploited Poseidon in order to exact revenge on society.
I was the person who bawled my eyes out upon temporary revival by Hades and learning he'd finally aligned with our goddess.
Do not doubt that this person exists. My little Kanon might be a little rowdy and uncontrollable, but that doesn't get in the way of me loving him without reservation...or me beating him up whenever I get bored."

"You guys can just go ahead and slap the 'diehard Saga fangirl' label on my forehead.
I was the person who wept after being jailed by him at Cape Sounion.
I was the person who choked up upon finding out he was temporarily revived by Hades.
I was the person who, in the middle of kicking specter ass in the underworld, came too close to bawling my eyes out just because using Galaxian Explosion made me think of him.
Do not doubt that my kind of brother complex exists. My big bro might be a bit mentally ill, but that doesn't get in the way of me loving him without reservation...or me dying for him completely by choice."

===

他只是其他方面都太过惊才绝艳出类拔萃，然而上帝，或者其他什么神，仍然还是做到了绝对公平，使得他只有一件事上笨到一塌糊涂甚至普通人也不如的地步，那 就是如何真正地去爱，去疼惜，去放松，去相处，以及去原谅。原谅自己的同时坦然接受“看似完美的撒加深深爱着完全不完美的加隆”这个事实...
他就像个固执的孩子，偏执任性而且自私，将自身的痛苦归罪给唯一一个他潜意识里完全信任、完全依赖的人，因为大概只有这个人，无论他做什么，也不会走掉。甚至，还是会像一直以来那样的爱他。 -SPF20

[Commentary on Saga's characterization by SPF20]

It's just that he is too inhumanly perfect and outstanding in every other aspect, and the gods of creation (or Kurumada) are just - so they made him exceptionally dim-wittedly retarded on only one aspect in life, and that is how to truly love, to treasure, to be at ease, to forgive. As in, to forgive himself and at the same time accept the fact that "a seemingly perfect Saga profoundly loves a flawed and imperfect Kanon"...

He is like a stubborn child, willfully paranoid and selfish, attributing his own pain to the one person whom he subconsciously fully trusts and fully depends upon - likely because that is also the one person who would never abandon him regardless of what he does, and who would continue to love him without condition as always.

===

[A series of micronovels/eulogies by 雁字回时]

7.

Under that mask you have sat on the patriarch's lonely throne for seven years.

You knew how long it felt, as you prayed for salvation to come upon the next morrow each day.

Yet, you did not know that an almost-as-long wait would need to pass before you could see him again.

8.

Thirteen years ago he left and never returned.

Thirteen years later he panicked, as he realized he now can't return.

So, despite that it wasn't for him, you nevertheless came back.

After life, there is still eternity.

13.

Most people don't care to observe that when a finger is pressed against a mirror, there exists a distance between the fingertip and the reflected image.

When you were little, you were taught that that was due to the thickness of the glass.

You even believed that at the time.

Only now, when you press your finger again, do you realize that that distance is due to despair.

15.

It's a shame no one is capable of this.

Because thirteen years ago he was an unknown, and thirteen years later he was a sinner.

Because he had the dominion, because he had the atrocity, because he engineered a god into destroying the world.

And so, in the end, no one would send him sympathy just because you died. Not one blasphemed word.

29.
In a childhood fight he once tore up a drawing you made together. You privately saved the pieces and pasted it back together. When the picture was once more complete, he, too, came back.
So, when you tore yourself up, you held onto the same belief that he, too, would come to piece you back together.
But you overlook that he's always been such a headstrong bastard who doesn't know the first thing about repair. So all he ultimately does
is break himself into a thousand pieces
so he can join you as torn debris

 ...

#manlyfuckingtears




Also, live Deg news is officially the only reason I have left for staying on facebook:

My ears will be slightly less blue for the next ten days. Dare I say Kyo's voice had a full recovery?