Everglow

Funny that this just-right proportion of nostalgia in this song is carrying me through so much.

What's holding me back from starting daily sketches again? I feel I can do anything with this playing on single repeat.

I am an artist.

That is what I am, and that is what I do. Because of that, I draw. Because of that, I exist. How dare I become complacent? How dare I let this fall into habit and live simply to get by, homework to homework? How dare I forget the passion that led me here in the first place?!

From this day on, daily sketches resume. No more bullshit excuses. No more fear of toil and burnout, because that is part of the natural struggle in life. I eat and sleep every day; so will I draw.

Happy birthday (in Asia time), Saga and Kanon. I live to breathe life into you.


(And, thank you, Tomas. It was the greatest thing in the world to meet you.)

99% Approval Rate achieved, yet

something still feels majorly off, and I feel I can finally put a finger on why.

After the initial shock/anger passed, his stance essentially is now this: Get the training, get the first year or two of job experience, and then come over to China. I have the resources and connections to have you start your own studio. Draft a 5-year plan, a 10-year plan. No slacking, no drifting, no settling with a 5-digit salaried job. You want to do this, you better damn well make it big.

Which I have no problems with, in principle. "Dream big or go home;" "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough," right? So why am I not happy that I'm getting what I want and earning their support? Why does it feel like oppression instead?

Only now I realized.

Citizen Kane.

While of course not an exact analogous situation, it, still, never really was about me, was it? It's still about his being in control, even if he firmly believes he's doing it all purely for my sake, for the best in my interest. I can throw him curve balls and majorly change the blank in what I want, and he can even be okay with it, but to think he would ever relinquish control, to ever cease pushing? That is foolishness.

And of course, part of this, too, feels like I'm just being a whiny unsatisfiable bitch crying over first world problems. Think of all the sheep children who never could fight to break the DOCTOR OR LAWYER routine. Think of what I have, miraculously it still seems, actually achieved.

I need to work on that portfolio. Deadline planned as the end of this month, as soon as I wrap up my other SSOnly promo.

50% down

 

Came out to mom today. Cat's out of the fucking bag, thumbs up. Now on to the next (always tougher) 50%, and to officially pour fourth with that portfolio.

I actually didn't even remember what this 'ambition' tag was until I checked. And what a surprise, how fitting.

...Almost there.

[365-8] Work vs. play

Why do I do this?

I'm beating myself up for something that ________________________________.
I have no intention of making a living out of this.
I seek improvement and ease of concept relay purely for a sense of ____________________.
Will this continued pressure condition me to dread drawing? Or is this just a phase that, too, will pass, if only I keep pushing far enough?

The best reassurance I've had in ages:

"Don’t forget how fun drawing can (and should) be. Do forget about impressing anyone. Just have fun. Don’t pressure yourself into thinking you’ve got to draw something amazing because if you sit down and think “I’ve got to make an amazing drawing” then you’re just going to end up staring at a blank sheet of paper. Just start drawing."



Thus, today's goal was to relearn fun. Because if "fun" means intentionless doodling, then I have been way too compulsive to "have fun" for the past ten years.

Perhaps that is also why, despite my historical (severe) tendency to fall for the Kanon-archetype in real life, it's Saga who blew me away and stole my soul instead. Too fucking much in common, down to the being very-prone-to-seduction by Kanon-kind.

031. Choices

1. Georgia
2. Ohio
3. New York

Ranked in order of who would mind the least if I have to crash for a bit on extreme short notice. Unfortunately, any one of the above is at least eight hours away, and I have yet to figure out if pride allows me to drive the car that was handed to me.

But, decisions for another day. I'm sleeping tonight.

It's funny that even if this has been daydreamed (albeit sporadically) for so long, there are still so many practical details I failed to consider. One thing at a time.

308. Growth

It's so incredibly hard to remind myself that this feeling of insignificance and frustration with my work is actually a positive sign that my taste has grown...and all there is to do is struggle until my hand (and patience) catches up.

I want to dedicate myself.

Light, milestone

Had a chat with parents today.
They're a lot more understanding and open than I imagined.


Oh snap.
What went down?


Well, started as joke banter with my mom as I whined about going to her salon.
By the time my dad joined in he was like WAIT WHAT THAT BLACK GUY'S HARASSING YOU??! THAT'S IT HIS ASS IS FIRED


hahahaha
Poor guy


I mean apparently there were other issues with the black guy.
Like how he called in sick today but apparently also told all the massage customers to NOT come in.
And my mom is all waving her arms going piss crazy because she does massage, too.
This is like sabotage.


sabootayge.
That sucks.


Anyway.
I told them what I wanted to do, and they're so fucking supportive it was a little scary.
Of course, they just ask me to be a tiny bit considerate.


You told them you wanted to move out?


Yeah.


Good for you.
I'd give you a hug if you weren't 2 hours away.


Well, like I'm about to say, it won't be a right away kind of thing.


Who cares?
You don't have to tell me this.
This isn't about me


You certainly had influence in this.
Anyway, my dad asked me to consider that if things go swimmingly, he'll be saying Buh-bye Amurikkkuh by April.
And my mom's salon is not yet on its feet.
He asks that I please stick around until at least one of them are stable in income.
After that I can do whatever the fuck I want.


Cool deal man.
How's it feel?


Fucking unreal.
I don't know, it still blows my fucking mind that all I had to do was...talk to them.
I feel like a fucking idiot. =D


Duh
They're human
And you're fucking 22 years old


Yeah.
Wow.


Just make sure you're doing this for yourself and no one else.

Gödel’s incompleteness theorems

Sauce

'It is not strictly science, but rather a very interesting set of mathematical theorems about logic and the philosophy that is definitely relevant to science as a whole. Proven in 1931 by Kurt Gödel, these theories say that with any given set of logical rules, except for the most simple, there will always be statements that are undecidable, meaning that they cannot be proven or disproven due to the inevitable self-referential nature of any logical systems that is even remotely complicated. This is thought to indicate that there is no grand mathematical system capable of proving or disproving all statements. An undecidable statement can be thought of as a mathematical form of a statement like “I always lie.” Because the statement makes reference to the language being used to describe it, it cannot be known whether the statement is true or not. However, an undecidable statement does not need to be explicitly self-referential to be undecidable. The main conclusion of Gödel’s incompleteness theorems is that all logical systems will have statements that cannot be proven or disproven; therefore, all logical systems must be “incomplete.”

'The philosophical implications of these theorems are widespread. The set suggests that in physics, a “theory of everything” may be impossible, as no set of rules can explain every possible event or outcome. It also indicates that logically, “proof” is a weaker concept than “true”; such a concept is unsettling for scientists because it means there will always be things that, despite being true, cannot be proven to be true. Since this set of theorems also applies to computers, it also means that our own minds are incomplete and that there are some ideas we can never know, including whether our own minds are consistent (i.e. our reasoning contains no incorrect contradictions). This is because the second of Gödel’s incompleteness theorems states that no consistent system can prove its own consistency, meaning that no sane mind can prove its own sanity. Also, since that same law states that any system able to prove its consistency to itself must be inconsistent, any mind that believes it can prove its own sanity is, therefore, insane.'